so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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