I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
