did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
