I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
