R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
