tell your sister to shave her snatch
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
