I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
