If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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