Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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