well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
