theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
