Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
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