No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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