What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
