All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
