sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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