On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
