Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
