apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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