So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
