I wish I could teleport
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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