and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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