Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
