Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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