You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
