You did not just play the dead husband card again.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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