im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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