The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
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