Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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