You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
