I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
