The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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