Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
