I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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