listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
