All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
