I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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