Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
