and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
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