I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Randomize
