I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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