I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
