my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
