So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
