i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
She bit a glass in half.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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