Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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