drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
