Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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