why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Randomize
