hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
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