he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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