I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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