Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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